i have to figure out who i am

i've lived my whole life being the scagegoat of my family.  as a kid, i don't recall how many times i ran away from home.  as an adult, i've walked away from my family multiple times, but i am hoping to stay gone this time (its been three years... no more second third forth fifth chances.

anyway, i was mistreated by my father, a very, very angry man.  the abuse was physical and psychological.  i was constantly mocked for the things i loved that he didn't approve of.  if he wasn't berated me, he simply ignored me.. my mother was (is) cold, silent and unloving, and just a few year ago, i discovered that she gaslights me behind my back to her friends and the rest of my extended family.  which explains alot, why the rest of the family avoids and looks down on me

of coarse, all of this abuse was solely aimed at me, not my brother or sister, just me.

i'll get more into this later, i need to talk about identity 

so the only identity that i have ever known is the identity that they gave me, which was the bad kid.  i was the bad kid.  that was me.  i was a fucked-up kid, and i gravitated to other fuck-up kids, and we could all be fucked up together.

but that was never my true identity.

most of the time fucked up kids grow up to fucked up adults, that's me.  i'm 55 now, and spent my whole life living in suedo self.  incapble of haling health relationships, broke most of the time, jumping from job to job, isolation from other, and miserable.  a waste.  i wasted my life.

but my life isnt over yet

and now that i know a lot more about myself, and more about what they did to me, i feel like, i don't know, somehow better.  somehow i feel like there is a path forward, a way to retrain my brain, and find and be my true self.

this is the first step on a new path